I couldnt agree more, my family is different, I really do love being around them, they dont smother, we dont just paste a smile over everything, but something is missing.
I just chalked it up to growing up. Being home is different, its like slowly but surely the velcro is coming off and it just doesnt stick as well as it used to.
It will be ok though, we can help each other through, be each other's rock and when the time comes we will be able to have new velcro with our own place.
Life I think is all about getting older, being scared, getting annoyed, and moving on. Sometimes it takes longer, but we just gotta keep hoping for it to come. And we gotta keep looking up because you know the minute we look down we will miss it!
Don't get down on yourself, we will get through this!
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
Family
I admit that even though it would seem to outsiders
the nuclear poster child of happy families
my mother would paste on holiday cards
all smiles in matching snowflake red sweaters
this unit pales in
comparison, depth, meaning
to the people I live with
three quarters of my year.
They know my favorites things better
as well as anyone can actually know me,
I concede that I am secretive.
And yet somehow I am expected
to be more loyal
to those I see less
and only share blood with.
But only? Can one really ONLY do anything
in regards to blood.
I don't know.
Maybe it isn't the people I miss.
But the freedom.
The choices.
The ease of movement
and the feeling of being wanted
of being told you are missed.
Of actually missing.
Rather than simply being absent.
the nuclear poster child of happy families
my mother would paste on holiday cards
all smiles in matching snowflake red sweaters
this unit pales in
comparison, depth, meaning
to the people I live with
three quarters of my year.
They know my favorites things better
as well as anyone can actually know me,
I concede that I am secretive.
And yet somehow I am expected
to be more loyal
to those I see less
and only share blood with.
But only? Can one really ONLY do anything
in regards to blood.
I don't know.
Maybe it isn't the people I miss.
But the freedom.
The choices.
The ease of movement
and the feeling of being wanted
of being told you are missed.
Of actually missing.
Rather than simply being absent.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Building Blocks.
We become more devious
attempt to find the ways
into the hearts
our hearts are set on.
We're not saying we will settle,
But company in the meantime
would be nice.
It goes up and down and the battle between
Old loves and New loves;
its complicated.
How is it that by
playing two hands
our cards suddenly seem to be luckier?
With more options come choices
As we attempt to bring you
your own key to our temporary doorways.
Hearts will shift, locks will change
but we promise that
unfortunately
even if you alter
the way the woodwork looks to you
the grain will stil hold its beauty and allure.
For we are women of substantial materials.
attempt to find the ways
into the hearts
our hearts are set on.
We're not saying we will settle,
But company in the meantime
would be nice.
It goes up and down and the battle between
Old loves and New loves;
its complicated.
How is it that by
playing two hands
our cards suddenly seem to be luckier?
With more options come choices
As we attempt to bring you
your own key to our temporary doorways.
Hearts will shift, locks will change
but we promise that
unfortunately
even if you alter
the way the woodwork looks to you
the grain will stil hold its beauty and allure.
For we are women of substantial materials.
For us both...
Dear Heart,
Hold on tight.
It might be a bumpy ride.
We are falling for him
Faster and faster every day.
Lets hope this ends with only a couple of pieces,
or better yet, we can hope that you stay intact.
Wish us luck.
Love
Jessie/Calli
Hold on tight.
It might be a bumpy ride.
We are falling for him
Faster and faster every day.
Lets hope this ends with only a couple of pieces,
or better yet, we can hope that you stay intact.
Wish us luck.
Love
Jessie/Calli
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
I wish all dreams came true
The Saint. I cannot for the life of me help but to think of him.
I never used to dream of him but now I've had 2 dreams in the course of 3 days. What the heck? And yet I STILL cannot form words around him, I mean other than hey.
In the first dream he needed a picture that I had for a project. And the girl he was dating "Stacey" wanted to take a "break" and he was kind of heart broken, and trying so very hard not to cry. I gave him my number, it was a productive dream.
Then LAST night it was snowing, and I asked, no I begged him to roll in the snow with me to make a REAL snowman! And he didnt really want to, and so I said "Please, if you dont Dan will, PLEASE" He laughed at me and said that he needed to eat. So then everyone was hanging out outside of the cafeteria and girls were flirting with him and I walked by and he grabbed my hand, and wouldnt let go.
See, I dont need MUCH, its the little things, the simple things that I fall for.
And every year, I go back to that FIRST Transy game that I went to. That game where there was this awesome point guard. I couldnt believe the passion that he had for the game, that is what I fell for, it only helps that he, for the most part, seems to be a good guy. And his family, I LOVE his grandparents! And his dad, who probably thinks I'm a little silly.
I want to get either OVER this or DO something about it, but my voice doesnt work around him, and I dont know what is possible. But a girl can dream, right?!
I never used to dream of him but now I've had 2 dreams in the course of 3 days. What the heck? And yet I STILL cannot form words around him, I mean other than hey.
In the first dream he needed a picture that I had for a project. And the girl he was dating "Stacey" wanted to take a "break" and he was kind of heart broken, and trying so very hard not to cry. I gave him my number, it was a productive dream.
Then LAST night it was snowing, and I asked, no I begged him to roll in the snow with me to make a REAL snowman! And he didnt really want to, and so I said "Please, if you dont Dan will, PLEASE" He laughed at me and said that he needed to eat. So then everyone was hanging out outside of the cafeteria and girls were flirting with him and I walked by and he grabbed my hand, and wouldnt let go.
See, I dont need MUCH, its the little things, the simple things that I fall for.
And every year, I go back to that FIRST Transy game that I went to. That game where there was this awesome point guard. I couldnt believe the passion that he had for the game, that is what I fell for, it only helps that he, for the most part, seems to be a good guy. And his family, I LOVE his grandparents! And his dad, who probably thinks I'm a little silly.
I want to get either OVER this or DO something about it, but my voice doesnt work around him, and I dont know what is possible. But a girl can dream, right?!
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Woodwork, in response
We care because we are human. We want to be recognized but at the same time we want to be invisible. Or at least thats how I feel, and I think sometimes you might feel the same way.
As for the girls on his page, things like that are depressing, but there is one thing that I can almost guarantee that you have and those girls dont- SUBSTANCE. It might not seem like it, but eventually we all want some sort of substance, well, unless we are creepy people who want to control the world and with the exception of our roommates maybe, I think most of the people we are around will eventually want substance.
I understand, I get it, it sucks. And yet it is life, and it will go on.
I mean you have seen me when the Saint says hi, its the highlight of my MONTH! But honestly its those first "hi"'s and "hey"'s and things like that, which WE might see as awkward, but eventually they will be less thrilling, less heart consuming, and maybe, hopefully, real conversations will come.
I replay that "whats up Jess" over and over and over. And honestly what I realize the more I play it, is maybe he doesnt think I'm creepy- I know that everyone tells me that I am not, but I still have that insecurity- maybe he sees me as a person, sure maybe sometimes an overzealous fan, but a person nonetheless. And hopefully with my new found involvement with the team and other things, maybe, hopefully by the end of the year I might be able to have an ACTUAL conversation with him. I mean why didnt I answer the "whats up" part of his greeting? Because he said "Jess" and that trumped EVERYTHING else. My mind went blank except for the flashing of "Jess"!
Bottom line, though we see the rest of the world, the smaller, better looking girls of the world with these guys that we are so hung up on, it doesnt mean that we are out of the game. We just have to learn to assert ourselves. To not run away, and maybe the sun will shine on us!
So, heres to hoping for the sun to come out, tomorrow! HAHA. :) Hang in there, we will make it.
As for the girls on his page, things like that are depressing, but there is one thing that I can almost guarantee that you have and those girls dont- SUBSTANCE. It might not seem like it, but eventually we all want some sort of substance, well, unless we are creepy people who want to control the world and with the exception of our roommates maybe, I think most of the people we are around will eventually want substance.
I understand, I get it, it sucks. And yet it is life, and it will go on.
I mean you have seen me when the Saint says hi, its the highlight of my MONTH! But honestly its those first "hi"'s and "hey"'s and things like that, which WE might see as awkward, but eventually they will be less thrilling, less heart consuming, and maybe, hopefully, real conversations will come.
I replay that "whats up Jess" over and over and over. And honestly what I realize the more I play it, is maybe he doesnt think I'm creepy- I know that everyone tells me that I am not, but I still have that insecurity- maybe he sees me as a person, sure maybe sometimes an overzealous fan, but a person nonetheless. And hopefully with my new found involvement with the team and other things, maybe, hopefully by the end of the year I might be able to have an ACTUAL conversation with him. I mean why didnt I answer the "whats up" part of his greeting? Because he said "Jess" and that trumped EVERYTHING else. My mind went blank except for the flashing of "Jess"!
Bottom line, though we see the rest of the world, the smaller, better looking girls of the world with these guys that we are so hung up on, it doesnt mean that we are out of the game. We just have to learn to assert ourselves. To not run away, and maybe the sun will shine on us!
So, heres to hoping for the sun to come out, tomorrow! HAHA. :) Hang in there, we will make it.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Innocence
There are things in this world that though exposed to I just dont know. I am a pretty pure person- I dont see this as necessarily a bad thing, but never before have I not been top of the class so to say and I feel as if in this subject I am failing.
How do I not know so much?
How do I not know so much?
Friday, September 11, 2009
The Truth
Ok, so here it is, this is what I have. And I am telling a friend.
I am a tad boy crazy, whether it is good or bad I dont know. I dont understand emotions how can things that seem so simple in big picture be SO important when they over take your life. Why do we have such reactions, and why my friends, am I so freakin shy? I mean seriously, I know that logically people arent generally rude, so saying hi isnt gonna be a big deal.
All I ever want is answers, all I ever get is more questions.
So do I keep going like I have been or do I try something different? Do I WANT to do something different? Kind of yes, but how?
Eh, I am who I am... as is everyone else.
I am a tad boy crazy, whether it is good or bad I dont know. I dont understand emotions how can things that seem so simple in big picture be SO important when they over take your life. Why do we have such reactions, and why my friends, am I so freakin shy? I mean seriously, I know that logically people arent generally rude, so saying hi isnt gonna be a big deal.
All I ever want is answers, all I ever get is more questions.
So do I keep going like I have been or do I try something different? Do I WANT to do something different? Kind of yes, but how?
Eh, I am who I am... as is everyone else.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
in the dark
I don't know what it is about boys that make them so...
obnoxious? irresistable? annoying? fantastic?
One minute you can be blissfully happy, ridiculously and tingly excited, and the next moment you are laying in the middle of your front yard with one of your earbuds refusing to stay put as you listen to a scrambled mix of girl-rock power-ballads and vivaldi-style classical music. that's right, prayers being sung in latin.
The girl rock is to help heal the ache, the shallow convincing that you are better off without him, that you were being held back that he was not THE ONE.
You are women, you are strong, you are fierce.
HEAR YOU ROAR!
Only right now it is more like a baby kitten sobbing.
well, hopefully not that sad.
And that is where the latin prayer music come in. Because who doesn't love a little pleading to god or whomever when things don't go your way?
obnoxious? irresistable? annoying? fantastic?
One minute you can be blissfully happy, ridiculously and tingly excited, and the next moment you are laying in the middle of your front yard with one of your earbuds refusing to stay put as you listen to a scrambled mix of girl-rock power-ballads and vivaldi-style classical music. that's right, prayers being sung in latin.
The girl rock is to help heal the ache, the shallow convincing that you are better off without him, that you were being held back that he was not THE ONE.
You are women, you are strong, you are fierce.
HEAR YOU ROAR!
Only right now it is more like a baby kitten sobbing.
well, hopefully not that sad.
And that is where the latin prayer music come in. Because who doesn't love a little pleading to god or whomever when things don't go your way?
idk. maybe I am simply in a cynical mood recalling what happened those summers ago.
I just hate that history is capable of repeating itself.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
So much for Spring Break
I agree stress ruins the world, when there is too much of it. But a little stress is good because it helps to get things done. Here we are about to finish spring break, we have 4 weeks left in the semester and I have two tests this coming week. What did I get done over spring break? I took notes for 1 of like 6 chapters for Macro economics, which I am currently FAILING- test is Friday. I have a Management test on Wed, didnt even look at the stuff, and I have lots of Calculus to do, didnt touch that either. So yea panicking. I guess at least my stuff was portable and I could do it over spring break- easily. But I didnt. And at least my mom didnt fuss at me too much. Because I got a lot of non school things done. I went to the dentist, got my tires rotated and balanced and my oil changed, got a possible internship for the summer, helped my grandma with some number crunching for her taxes, almost completed my taxes, and obsessed over this tiny hug that happened between me and a person who has stolen most of my logical thinking- well obsessed over the hug and the fact that the next day he and his girlfriend are no longer friends on facebook. I will definitely have to get back into the work mode.
But heres the thing, we cant go back and change what we didnt do, so we didnt do all the homework that we were supposed to over spring break. But we can bow our heads when we get back to school and do the work that is needed. Yes, our social life might falter a little, but we are ALL college students and so we ALL will forgive one another!
So here's to getting back on track! We can do it!
But heres the thing, we cant go back and change what we didnt do, so we didnt do all the homework that we were supposed to over spring break. But we can bow our heads when we get back to school and do the work that is needed. Yes, our social life might falter a little, but we are ALL college students and so we ALL will forgive one another!
So here's to getting back on track! We can do it!
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Stress
It takes over your life and leaves you feeling constricted, frustrated and "ohmygodican'tbreathe-where'sapaperbag!?"-panicking. I hate stress and even more than that is the guilt I get when I neglect things I should do while trying to de-stress. I have these moments and clarity where I'm like 'this is what i need to be doing and if I start now I can get it done and be done with it', but then I get distracted and then i panick and the guilt of not doing whatever it was, studying, hanging with friends, working and whatnot gets me so wound up that I end up throwing myself into the neglected task and neglecting everything else!
I can't speak for everyone, but I am pretty sure that most people feel this way from time to time, especially students. And i write about this now because I haven't even been able to enjoy my spring break for worrying about the projects I left at school over the break. like the welding i didn't finish because the welder ran out of wire and therefore stopped working, and even though veronica was nice enough to go on an adventure to harbor freight to get more wire[and we ran into Dan!! :] who gave me a funny look when i tried to ask if this was the right type of wire i was buying....] I decided to go to greek and lunch and then pack partially and then went to ceramics and then finish packing and by the time I had finished cleaning and all, it was time to go so i didn't weld what I needed to. and how I need a paperclay recipe, but can't find a decently detailed one online without being asked for a credit card number and mailing address. meh.
I just feel like i am not working hard enough or just plain enough and at the same time I work more than I want and more than is good for my stress levels.
I just needed to vent. And to state once again that having pets in the dorms might make them smellier, but it would lead to more happy students and less stressed out students.
and dogs are pretty.
I should go to bed now, i have work to do tomorrow.
I can't speak for everyone, but I am pretty sure that most people feel this way from time to time, especially students. And i write about this now because I haven't even been able to enjoy my spring break for worrying about the projects I left at school over the break. like the welding i didn't finish because the welder ran out of wire and therefore stopped working, and even though veronica was nice enough to go on an adventure to harbor freight to get more wire[and we ran into Dan!! :] who gave me a funny look when i tried to ask if this was the right type of wire i was buying....] I decided to go to greek and lunch and then pack partially and then went to ceramics and then finish packing and by the time I had finished cleaning and all, it was time to go so i didn't weld what I needed to. and how I need a paperclay recipe, but can't find a decently detailed one online without being asked for a credit card number and mailing address. meh.
I just feel like i am not working hard enough or just plain enough and at the same time I work more than I want and more than is good for my stress levels.
I just needed to vent. And to state once again that having pets in the dorms might make them smellier, but it would lead to more happy students and less stressed out students.
and dogs are pretty.
I should go to bed now, i have work to do tomorrow.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)