oh jealousy

I am jealous of some part of every person that I am close to's life. 

Really. 

Also- need we remember that time in February (September would rhyme better) when I fell into a black hole? I mean if that was not jealousy I dont know what is. 

Its funny how our paths went after college- you have a significant other with whom you live. You are a manager, you have your own place, and a cat. 

Me. I just quit my job, I am going BACK to school and I still live at home. 

Am I upset with where my life is? No. But I am jealous that you have the things that you do- things that I want. 

I have just done everything to change every part of my life! lol. Crap. 

Its funny that you think you took yourself out of our friendship. I kept thinking that I never made it back to Lexington enough. And my god this summer when I cancelled on you- worst week of my life. 

I guess what I am saying is yes, of course I'll be your best friend. 

All relationships ebb and flow, its ok, we just ebbed. :) At least I think thats the right one... lol. 

jealousy is not a nice creature, but better a guest than envy.

Jealousy is all about seeing what other people have and wanting to make it your own, whereas envy is more typical of seeing what other people have, wanting to make it you own via either taking it from that person or wanting to have it in such a way that no body else can have the thing you now have. Envy, is for my intents and purposes bad, as it is a destructive force, for the most part, if acted upon. Jealousy is, if utilized 'properly', a constructive emotion when harnessed as motivation to better your own well being when you see a standard of someone else and want to pull yourself up to that level(orhigher!) and nobody else gets hurt in the between time.

Here's where all this comes in to play. I'm jealous.

I said it. I meant it. I intend to do all in my power to make it so I have no reason to be.

If anyone has actually followed this blog, which, given our sporadic[read: non-existant] posting after graduation, and really for the better part of senior year when some serious shit was going down, is unlikely, you may have realized that we don't post often. And as of lately, we don't even talk as much as I would like to.

A good part of this, is that I have nothing important to say, I have work, and Jessie has work, and now school and possibly subbing work beginning soon, and life has just happened and I found myself going, hey wait. Where'd my friend go?
The answer? Exactly where I left her.

She didn't go anywhere, she's still there, on facebook, on twitter if I really wanted to find her in all her interweb spaces; still lives in the same house in the same city in most of the same places. So why did I feel like she had disappeared all of a sudden?

Because our friendship had boiled down on my side to being nothing but a place for me to vent about my relationship and the random things that happen during the day. Granted it was also talking with her about both good and bad things, but I felt like I had nothing interesting to say, so I left the little good things out and just kept them to myself and only realized after looking back that a lot of what made our friendship great was the understanding we had between each other that we could post random videos or pictures of penguins and bunnies etc and no further explanation was needed. AND we could also come to each other for important advice and life decisions and know we were supported and safe from being judged(too harshly, we're human okay?).

My problem is that the person I am spending most of my days with now requires that explanation, because we've only known each other for about two years or so now, whereas I've now know Jessie for a little over five. That's double the time plus a little, and we lived together or in very close proximity for a while so we got to know the other person's likes, dislikes and habits and quirks pretty quickly. And even though I am no living with my significant other, it's taken me this six months of cohabitation to realize that I still have outside friends that get me, and will accept my weirdness a little more readily, because they are a little more used to it and understand that even though i may say things that initially come off as racist or misogynist or just plain terrible, I typically say them in comic hyperbole and I am not someone whose actions back up those words. This person is just a little more sensitive to society's norms of what you "can and cannot" say or do, which is funny, given the fact that we're in an inter-racial lesbian relationship. Go figure.

Anyway, I digress. The whole point of this, is that I am jealous, because I see my best friend, being best friends with someone else on facebook. Please don't take that in a bad way, I am a firm believer that people can have more than one best friend. That there are certain friends you can count on for certain situations of activities and that the other friends in your life may be included or excluded ( not in a mean way ) based on their preferences and how they interact with your other friends. And I realized that I am jealous not because they are being friends or posting back and forth, but because we are not being best friends anymore and I miss that.

So here again is where the jealousy versus envy thing comes into play. I am challenging myself to be that better friend. To find things to inspire friendship, to be cheesy, to, in a sense, rekindle the spark of our friendship before I got bogged down in my relationship. A big, yet separate part is to work on making sure my relationship is healthy and where I need it to be.

So this is where is starts. This is where I try and just be more present in our friendship.

Jessie, will you be my best friend?

[_]yes
[_]no

love,

Calli

Things I told him

So, to clear the air, sift the mud out of the waters, whatever, I wrote him.
Its not like it matters, I will probably never see him again in my life, but now everything is out in the open and hopefully I can move on!

This is what I had to say:

I know you don't need to hear these things, but I think I need to say them. You have been in my mind a lot lately, and it is time for me to let go.

1. Thank you. Throughout our friendship there were many times where you inspired me to try things that were outside of my comfort zone, and I appreciate that.

2. I am sorry that I was too innocent (I am not sure that is the right word) for you and that for some reason, whether it was spoken or not, I feel that was a great struggle between us.

3. I hate that your communication skills were as lacking as your planning skills, because I think had we really gotten to the heart of things, we might still be friends.

4. I hate that you always found easy excuses for reasons that we couldnt try a relationship. It might not have worked, I know that you had a hard time with the whole Gina thing, but I fall far more easily than I might let on, and I had fallen for you, hard.

5. I hope you find someone who cherishes you as much as I did. You may have sometimes been an asshole, and played unfair, but I will always care for you, because deep down, I know you are an awesome person.

6. I am sorry I was pushy, but when we "snuggled" I just fell that much harder, and I knew that you hadnt. I like answers, I thrive on answers, and when I dont get answers my feelings get hurt and I run away before my heart smashes into more than 1000 pieces. If I have 100 pieces of a heart, its easier to put it back together.

7. I am passionate, and that means that this letter is probably more sappy than I intend it to be, but please dont get too worried- Im pretty harmless- unless I harmed you, but I dont think I did.

8. If you doubt anything that I am saying, just go read it on my blog- I am pretty sure I started writing about you the night of your party.

9. I hope that you are happy, successful, and paying off your $5000 debt. I hope too, that you can find a person that will calm you down as much as you told me that I did.

10. Doing this scares me. Truth is, if we were to be given a clean slate, I would probably do everything all over again, and probably more.

11. I hope that you understand that when I said I wasnt going to walk away from you, and then ended pretty much our friendship, I did it because of self preservation.

12. I dont regret anything, and I hope you dont either, but I realize that I might have unintentionally given the wrong vibes because of my innocence.

13. Letting you go was one of the hardest things I have had to do. One of my greatest fears is not finding someone who will love me, and the manner in which our non-relationship was handled was like my worst nightmares coming true. I felt that you walked away from me because I was scared to throw myself at you.

14. I hope you understand where this is coming from. You dont have to respond. I felt the need to get everything out in the open. I guess kind of in the way that you apologized to K.

15. Happy Life J. I think that you and I could have made a go of it, but maybe we just found each other at the wrong time. And I am sorry if some of these points are repetitive- its just time to let go. :)


Oh, wise friend of mine... was this good, or bad?
I mean he might just laugh at it and write it off... but hey, perhaps I have wiped my karma slate clean?!
Sigh.

Need you now

A song by Lady Antebellum

And although I dont need anyone, I really like the music video and its all about second chances. So I think I need to give myself as second chance and let go of my unhappy thoughts like being convinced that EVERYONE thinks I am creepy, because maybe just maybe not everyone thinks I'm creepy!

And basketball, I mean sure I would love to be with a basketball player, but no one really knows my intense love for the game, so I want to learn how to highlight my passion in a way that isnt creepy!

I am happy, really happy. But I've been holding back a little, its time to let it all go, let it flow. Life happens, and things happen for a reason. I KNOW that someday, hopefuly one day my prince charming will come along- or maybe he will need the rescuing and I can help him?! (Yay for role reversals! haha)

I just hope that I dont end up bitter before this happens.

Thats it for now

Blood vs. Bond

I couldnt agree more, my family is different, I really do love being around them, they dont smother, we dont just paste a smile over everything, but something is missing.
I just chalked it up to growing up. Being home is different, its like slowly but surely the velcro is coming off and it just doesnt stick as well as it used to.
It will be ok though, we can help each other through, be each other's rock and when the time comes we will be able to have new velcro with our own place.
Life I think is all about getting older, being scared, getting annoyed, and moving on. Sometimes it takes longer, but we just gotta keep hoping for it to come. And we gotta keep looking up because you know the minute we look down we will miss it!
Don't get down on yourself, we will get through this!

Family

I admit that even though it would seem to outsiders
the nuclear poster child of happy families
my mother would paste on holiday cards
all smiles in matching snowflake red sweaters
this unit pales in
comparison, depth, meaning
to the people I live with
three quarters of my year.
They know my favorites things better
as well as anyone can actually know me,
I concede that I am secretive.
And yet somehow I am expected
to be more loyal
to those I see less
and only share blood with.

But only? Can one really ONLY do anything
in regards to blood.
I don't know.
Maybe it isn't the people I miss.
But the freedom.
The choices.
The ease of movement
and the feeling of being wanted
of being told you are missed.
Of actually missing.
Rather than simply being absent.

Building Blocks.

We become more devious
attempt to find the ways
into the hearts
our hearts are set on.

We're not saying we will settle,
But company in the meantime
would be nice.
It goes up and down and the battle between
Old loves and New loves;
its complicated.

How is it that by
playing two hands
our cards suddenly seem to be luckier?
With more options come choices
As we attempt to bring you
your own key to our temporary doorways.

Hearts will shift, locks will change
but we promise that
unfortunately
even if you alter
the way the woodwork looks to you
the grain will stil hold its beauty and allure.
For we are women of substantial materials.